This is a topic I’ve been thinking about for many a year, and it’s bothered me so much that I have decided to finally do something about it. Close friends may have heard me complaining frequently about this matter.
Now, as we well know, the English language contains many, many words, allowing easy expression of nearly our exact emotions. My focus, however, is upon the pronoun category. We can describe the speaker, the audience, the outside member or members…but wait! For a singular third party member, we must identify by gender! And so thus, we fall into the pitfall of the English language when we don’t know said gender.
What do Americans do? Well, of course, they can use “he” to substitute. This was all well and fine until feminism and gender equality came in and kicked this idea out the door. Plan B? Use “they.”
Now, it may not bother you (because you are a(n) _____), but it certainly bothers me. Now, unless that person harbors another person inside his body, I don’t want to hear him called “they (example using a male character).” So in situations where you don’t know the subject’s gender (or subject doesn’t have (only) one…), I propose we use the pronoun “ve.”
I will list all of the ve forms with example sentences below.
Subject: Ve (pronounced “vee”)
That person looks like a girl, but ve might be a trap.
Objective: Vir (pronounced “veer”)
Last night I was talking to someone online, and I gave vir my email address.
Possessive: Vis (pronounced “vis”)
It looks like somebody left vis water bottle on the train.
And there you are, the gender-ambiguous singular third party pronoun. This will be the next Frindle, with YOUR help.
So I beseech you to stop using “they” to refer to a singular person and instead use “ve.” And when your conversational partner looks at you in confusion, explain to vir this word, and if you’d like, link vir to this page.
I take my leave.
The Rant Room 